Book: The Last Testament – A Memoir by God


An excerpt:

Of all the peo­ple of his time, only Noah found grace in my eyes; for he was wise, and upright, and honest, and as it says in the text, he “walked with God”; though in truth I wish that now and again he would have jogged with God; for he had a bit of a paunch.Noah was a great man; he had a love­ly wife, Nameless; and three terrific children, Shem, Ham, and Japheth; verily, their domestic interaction had a real My Three Sons feel to it; for they were always courteous, and hokey, and unironically used words like “Jeepers!” So I told Noah my plan; and how I meant to save him and his family by having him build an ark of the dimensions 300 cubits by 50 cubits by 30 cubits. And Noah did won­drous work constructing the ship, considering I bade him make it of “gopher wood”; that is the phrase used in Genesis, and scholars ever since have debated exactly what type of wood was so denoted; and the answer is, no type at all; For gopher wood was at that time a euphemism, for lead​bolted plate steel.


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